DEAR DAD, LOVE GABRIELLE
My dad passed away Monday night.
My third birthday (I think). As you can tell I was pretty happy, and it wasn't because of that huge gift, well maybe a little bit.
It wasn't unexpected by any means—he had cancer—but the emotions that came with it are wavering and very much unexpected.
Pure fun and happiness with my dad.
I thought long and hard deciding if I should share this news or write something about it, because honestly, I still can't sort out my emotions.
Vulnerability and shame are tough, right? Especially when you don't know if you're sad, frustrated, angry or grateful, or just a big old fat 'I have no freaking idea how I feel' attitude. This past week had bad timing written all over it. Lots of bumps in the road, and on top of that I had to perform at a ballroom competition.
A trip to Disney World and my dad met us there.
(Side note: Sorry that my head wasn't in the game, but I didn't want to deal with my emotions of losing my dad the night before the competition, which is why I chose not to share this until now—plus I hate pity. I have so much compassion for people who simply show up when they are struggling to just get through the day, which I am currently still in the process of doing.)
See, my mom raised me on her own—although my dad provided no child support, he gave her me without any questions. No joint custody, just her and me, which is the best gift he could've given us in my opinion. And while I like to think I was blessed with two beautiful and charismatic parents who really did love each other, I also am saddened that only one parent was able to witness my growth.
As a father, he was semi-absent, but he had an insane amount of work ethic and talent, and really wowed people, especially as a salesman—not even joking, so many people were impressed by this fella.
But I am not here to talk about the opportunities that were missed as a family because quite frankly, I have been blessed with great father figures in my life and a dad who I know loved me. (Plus, I don't like the daddy issues stereotype and there is no point in what-ifs.) But the emotions hit hard—harder than expected.
A scrapbook page I found that I made when I was probably 12 or so.
Still I struggle to write this, and if I were writing this on paper you'd see it tear-stained. But I am worried to share this because I don't really know if what I feel is normal. I think I always had a dream of having the "Daddy's Girl" persona—now at 24, I won't have any chance of that dream so it hurts my heart honestly.
My first father/daughter dance, and a time when some of my friends met my dad—truly such a genuinely exciting moment for me.
Searching through old photos, memories and journal entries this week brought an enormous amount of emotions—some happy, some angry and some sad—but I have also found gentleness in all of this.
He was always a free spirit type of person, and I'm not mad at him for wanting to embrace the opportunity to run wild and free. But honestly, I don't think I would be the same independent, strong and ambitious woman I am today, if things were different. And for that I am grateful for my time with him and the relationship we had throughout the years.
Us.
He was complex and charming, and despite him not following through as a full-time dad in my life, I have many memories full of love and full of life lessons that I know will help me on my own adventure.
So thank you for choosing an amazing woman to raise me, and never making me feel as though I wasn't good enough for a man's love, because I know undoubtedly that you loved me, just things had a different path for us. And although we missed out on some years and memories, the ones that I experienced with you, I will hold in my heart.
p.s. Dad, if you're reading this, I love you dearly. Thank you for trying your best, and blessing me with the ability to raise both of my eyebrows and teaching me to fully embrace my love for chocolate. Oh, and I hope you're taking your advice about stopping to smell the roses finally. xo
During my first visit to my dad's place in Florida last August. Like dad, like daughter?